Moaning- BEDA 3

Tonight I have a headache. I say this as though it's an unusual occurrence when it really isn't out of the ordinary. Unfortunately I've been suffering from some other gross things- excessively bad allergies, being continuously wore out, allergy rash of DOOM, the headaches- and now I have to determine what the cause is. Is the issue just my normal seasonal allergies, a new allergies, stress related illness, another type of illness? Added to all of this is my distrust of doctors and my aversion to medication. I prefer using homeopathic remedies and solutions, rather than rely on chemicals to solve issues. Obviously there are exceptions, but I suffer from headaches and allergy symptoms so frequently that I don't feel comfortable adding chemicals that provide no release. Of course all of my home improvement things make my allergies explode in a mass of ick, so I'm really helping myself by tackling multiple projects a day. But at the end of the day I'm so immensely pleased with the work I've been doing that I don't recognize the problem until I'm miserable. Hopefully, I'll have some pictures of completed projects to post soon!

BEDA....We Meet Again

Well hello there, August 1! How YOU doin'? In all seriousness, August brings a lot of things: the start of school, work days, frantic back to school shopping, BEDA, and this year it also has the Olympics! I've spent several evenings parked on the couch watching* various events. There are a lot of things I like about the Olympics. The sense of camaraderie, seeing world records broken, watching someone win a medal- especially if their country hasn't won medals before or in several years; and the chance to watch sports that aren't usually televised.

How many of you are watching the games? What are your favorite sports to watch (and cheer for) during the Olympics?



*Except for tonight when I've mainly been snoozing because I can't seem to stay

Vacation Round-Up

I have returned (very late Friday night) from an impromptu trip to the beach with some of my cousins.* To sum up the list of characters: my cousin Jo and her husband Todd along with their kids A and Doodle, my cousin Ryan and his wife Terry and their kid Baby Cash, and my cousin Doda. And me of course! I've struggled recently with family drama...as discussed in my last post things with my mom have been weighing on my mind a lot lately and I don't really have the chance to really deal with those feelings. I live with my grandmother (my mom's mom) and any mention of my mother really upsets her, so I try to avoid any mentions at home. I obviously don't want to upset my dad by talking about things a lot. And truthfully I just hate focusing on everything, even if talking it out probably would help me deal with things. Usually I just work around my frustrations and focus negative energy into positive things to distract myself.

ANYWAY, the point is, I had the opportunity to tag along on my cousins' family vacation. It's been roughly six years since I've been to the beach and I've missed the experience. Mostly though I just enjoyed being away from my troubles. I spent a week reading in the sun, playing with the baby cousins, and hanging out with my older cousins. I ate good food and had a few drinks. I played in the ocean and allowed myself to be in awe of the greatness of creation. I watched dolphins swim in the ocean and went to the aquarium. Basically, I lived free for the week. I set down my burdens and relaxed. And it was the best time I've had in such a long time.

I'm truly grateful for my family. I realize I focus on them a lot, both here and on Twitter, but that's because I've committed myself to surrounding myself with people who love me and that I love. Family is a sure fired way to do that. They have seen me at my very worst and have loved me through it all, and the same is true for them. Sometimes they drive me crazy, and I'm sure that I grate on their nerves at time. I don't always fit in...I'm not sporty and I my idea of an outdoor activity is reading in the shade**, but I'm accepted in spite of my oddities. And when things are gross and bad and I need somewhere to hide out, I always have a place...or ten. And there will never be a way for me to express how blessed I am to have this group of people tied to me indefinitely.




*Honestly, I should make a tab just to keep track of my relatives!
**We won't even get into my crazy liberal ideas.

BFF Antics

Earlier this week my grandmother had an appointment with her endocrinologist and I volunteered to drive her to Roanoke for her appointment. This was not the best choice I've ever made. Two of my aunties came along and we planned to meet BFF1 for lunch and some shopping afterwards since my grandmother's appointment was in the town where she currently lives. This didn't work out as planned because even though we left on time we also ran into a wreck on the interstate and were almost late for the appointment. This frustrated one of my aunts. The other was upset because she had things to do at home and wasn't excited about a day spent shopping. I ignored the overwhelming silence in my car on the ride to Roanoke and tried to make the best of the situation. A feat made easier because my bestie is used to these dramatics and when she met us at the doctor's office she helped distract me from the uneasiness. We spent our time in the waiting room sitting side by side playing DrawSomething with each other and laughing at how terrible we are at the game and chatting about various things. After the doctor we went to lunch at a pizza bar, and that was AMAZING and tasty. After lunch we embarked on Speed Shopping. Literally. I went through Target at a jog, grabbing random items that were on my shopping list so that we could GET OUT IN A HURRY!!! I needed to buy a pair of jeans, but didn't have time to try on. I'm not so upset about THAT...I absolutely HATE trying on pants.*

During the awkward lunch and doctor's visit and all through Speed Shopping BFF1 and I chatted about various difficulties we have dealt with recently. We had been out to lunch the previous day since she was in my town (her hometown) which ended with me almost in tears over my cheese fries. I know, right! Why are there tears if cheese fries are present?! Turns out that even after six months, conversations centering around my mother can cause emotional turmoil. I'm blessed because BFF1 handled it like a CHAMP! So we revisited my emotional breakdown the previous day and also talked about how she is sometimes uncomfortable in the area she currently lives and also about how we just miss each other. She only lives about an hour and a half away now, but that's a big adjustment since she had previously lived 15 minutes away from me since we were in fifth grade. We have adjusted well, but things are a lot different and sometimes it is really hard to be far apart. We talk to each other constantly throughout the day and we have a group of shows that we "watch" together while texting comments about the content, but the time we spend together via phone or computer dwindles during the summer. To counteract that we have started a "book club." It's not really much of a book club with just the two of us, but we're testing the waters for now. If we enjoy it and are successful we may expand and include some of our other friends.** For now we're slogging through Hissy Fit by Mary Kay Andrews, and when we've finished I'll update this with our progress/success. Hopefully it will be a fun activity to share. I love reading and she doesn't read many novels, but we both love funny girls and The South so MKA was a good starting point for us. Mainly I'm looking forward to sharing an activity with someone I adore, that I miss on an almost daily basis.

I have to say...I have mad respect for you guys that move away from your childhood friends and your families. Perhaps you are better at making friends than I am, maybe you're just braver...but I get absolutely verklempt whenever I think about leaving this tiny place that has been my home for 28 years.


*Or shirts, or dresses, or basically anything. It sucks.
**Who are we kidding, we don't actually have that many friends...hence the two man book club.

Summer Break Thus Far

So far summer break has been HECTIC! This isn't really unexpected, I've had cousins around since Thursday, have a family cook out today for Memorial Day, and have been attempting to get paperwork done before the work day at my office since I have to use that day for file review/updates. So far I've had a mani/pedi to celebrate the start of summer, baked cookies, made Nutella swirl ice cream pops, and froze lemonade so I can attempt to make my very own Lemon Berry Slush.* All of these things were accomplished with E by my side. I also had The Clone over Friday night, and have been plagued by allergies which thoroughly  ruined all my plans to work outside yesterday. Instead of weeding my herb bed and restacking wood so I can hang my hammock, I slept on the couch for three hours and watched several episodes of ANTM. I know, I live the high life. 

Right now I'm letting tea steep so I can make sweet tea for out cook out, and trying to plan a summer reading list. Also highly exciting plans. The plan for today is to spend the evening with the family, swim in my aunt's pool while trying to avoid being drowned by the cousins, and probably have E back tonight for slushes and movies. Now that she is out of school I'm sure I'll have her here at least three times a week, probably more. This is always fun, but slightly exhausting...sometimes I have trouble keeping up with a nine year old, especially one with so much energy! Hopefully this summer with little to no work will give me the time I need to work on some projects here at home and to successfully deal with the stress I've been under due to family drama. I'd like to start next school year a happier, healthier person and I'm planning to use this summer to do make that happen!

*Hands down my favorite thing on the Sonic menu.

#BestSummerEver*

THREE AND A HALF MORE DAYS!!!! Just one partial week and then school is over and summer is here! I am so stinking excited. Last summer I tried to do this thing where I highlighted all the things that made my summer great. I did some amazing things: I took a road trip to Orlando for LeakyCon with BFF2, I spent a lot of time with my family (especially The Fantastic Four) and my besties, and just generally enjoyed my summer. I spent some time reading. I marathoned some TV shows. I also got bogged down by work. Luckily this summer I'm not working and I truly plan to make this the Best Summer Ever.

Of course I have a HUGE list of things I'd like to get completed over the summer. I have the room redecorating project to prep, several major projects to complete for my Maw-Maw, and the weight loss/exercise goals. I also have a reading list** that I'd like to work through and I'll probably spend several evenings watching TV shows and have movie marathons with The Fantastic Four. Doda is already planning on us watching the all of the extended editions of the Lord of the Rings movies. Because they aren't long enough, we need extended footage of the Fellowship!

But more than anything I just want to enjoy myself. I don't have a problem working, but recently I've really needed a break. So, unlike LAST summer I plan to make regular updates and share all the excitement with all of you!***



*Stayed tuned on Twitter and on the blog for this fancy tag, which will highlight all the adventures I have in the next two and a half months.
**Which I'll post in a separate page as soon as I finalize it, until then you can always follow along with my GoodReads account.
***Really, guys. Regular updates! You'll see. Promise.

BEDA 10: Updates

If I decide to do this in August, I'd like someone to punch me.

Moving on! As usual there is not much going on in Small Town, USA. I've been on this work, read, sleep, repeat routine for weeks now. Work is the same as always. We just finished up all of the Mock Standardized Testing last week, and we will start actual testing on May 1. I'm so glad I'm not a kid. I mean, I'm completely burned out and I haven't even had to take any tests! Massive testing means boring work days filled with too quiet hallways and large amounts of paperwork catch-up. The bright side is that as of tomorrow there are only five weeks of school left! FIVE WEEKS! I'm so excited I can't stand it! I've been reviewing my finances and my Summer To Do List in preparation of my free summer. I worked in my herb bed yesterday and checked the mini-composting I've been doing. The rate of decay seems spot on, and I added some extra coffee grounds and egg shells to the mix and then turned the top layer of soil over, burying the compost. I'll turn everything again next weekend to continue to mix the compost into my soil and it won't be long before I'm planting herbs and trying fancy pants recipes with tasty fresh herbs! Unfortunately I discovered that a colony of ants have moved into one corner of the bed. I'm a bit worried about what to do with them, because I'm so anti-pesticides but I need to find a way to get rid of them. An article I read online suggested sprinkling cinnamon around the hill because the ants hate it and will leave. This seemed to be working yesterday, but it rained for most of the afternoon and I'm not sure that it actually worked. It's supposed to snow tonight though, so that will probably take care of the ant issue.

While we're on the subject, SNOW?!?!? Really? It's almost MAY and for the first time in recent memory school will actually be over before mid June. I'd prefer it to stay warm and slightly rainy. We don't really need winter weather at this point! I'm ready for lazy days in the hammock, swim session with The Cousins, soaking up warm rays of sun,* and mornings in the garden. So I'm hoping that the weather doesn't get too wintery and that spring reemerges SOON!

I'm going to try to finish strong with BEDA, since I got more than a little lost in the middle of the month. I have no real excuses, except for massive allergy attacks and large bouts of sleeping off the associated pain. Hopefully silver lining of the imminent snowfall is that it will reduce the pollen counts and I won't be quiet so miserable.



*After lathering myself full of sunscreen. I'm also anti-tanning. Skin cancer is a MAJOR fear and I am as safe as possible while in the sun.

BEDA 9: Ice Cream

Allow me to share with you a riveting story. Today after working my required 8 hours and then trudging home, I discovered that our mail lady had delivered the second and third discs of Downton Abbey. Huzzah! I've been looking forward to seeing how season two ends for quite some time. After watching the first two episodes of Disc Two (and crying and sniffling my way through the episodes) I decided I needed junk food. "I'm getting ice cream!" I announced to my grandmother. She was EXTREMELY impressed by my ability to say words and asked me to bring her some ice cream as well. Only one large scoop though. While scooping out her ice cream I managed to rip the box. "Quelle horror!" I exclaimed. After tearing the box open I realized that there was NO WAY I could salvage the remaining ice cream and would therefore need to eat ALL THE ICE CREAM. So I did. Now that I've devoured a gigantic bowl of ice cream I've been sucked back into the world of Downton Abbey. Seriously, if you love British people, period dramas, an beautiful sets you should be watching this show. It is WONDERFUL!

BEDA 5: "Spring" Break and Lent Updates

I am now officially on break! Technically this is our spring break, but when you live in a tiny town that is mostly White, Anglo-Saxon, Protestants it's referred to as Easter Break. I don't care what they call it as long as I don't have to work until Tuesday! But with Easter fast approaching I thought I would review my Lent for Book Nerds challenge.* I was really happy with this challenge. While I didn't always manage to get my 30 minutes of reading in every day, I do feel like I spent a good amount of time reading over the past 40 days. I only reread one book, and I've finished nine books so far. This means that I only need to finish reading ONE book by midnight on Saturday! This should be gravy because I'm rereading Paper Towns right now and I started a memoir about the filming of Breakfast at Tiffany's that I've been reading for about a week, but haven't made much progress on. The best thing about this Lenten Challenge (in my opinion) is that I really took time to evaluate my TBR list and make headway there** and I enjoyed taking time to read. I know that sounds silly, and anyone who knows me in real life would probably argue that I spend more than enough time reading,*** but I am usually bogged down with paperwork (or really painful allergy symptoms) and I don't take time to do things for myself. That has been changing over the past few months and with a summer filled with NO WORK I am going to have even MORE time to devote to myself. I generally think that I'm a pretty selfish person, but recent events in my life have reminded me that I really do put others first a lot of the time. I live with my grandmother, who is very capable but is also elderly, and I spend a lot of my at home time doing little things to make her life easier. I've been keeping a lot of my personal anxieties on the download because the rest of my family is reacting so poorly to this entire mess that has been going on with my mother. My weekends generally consist of having at least one of my cousins at my house for sleepovers and generally at least one night per week I am going to one of their games or picking one up from practice. And I am SO HAPPY to do those things for the people that I love, but it also adds to my stress levels and leads to me feeling crappy on a regular basis because I HATE disappointing people. And ultimately, as much as running around like a chicken with my head cut off to do things for my family can seem overwhelming, they are also the most therapeutic thing in my life and being around them allows me to heal. Catch-22 situation at it's best! And worst. But summer is going to be all about spending time on ME. Yes, I am going to be doing some home improvement type things for my grandmother and I will most likely be moving my father halfway across the country so he can be away from my mother and all of the drama that comes with her and also so he can begin a new job. But summer will also consist of sitting in my hammock, reading in the sun, messing in my compost heap and herb bed, camping with the cousins, and swimming every single day. It will involve HEALING and making sure I am okay when I go back to work in August. I am looking forward to the end of May for the first time since I graduated high school, and THAT is an amazing feeling.



*Giving up fast food for Lent was a complete success. No real issues with that, except on days we had meetings. I just used those as an excuse to eat yummy Chinese food!
**I only I only read one newly purchased book (Black Heart by Holly Black) during this challenge, all others were previously owned.
***No such thing

BEDA 4: Adult ADD

I don't ACTUALLY suffer from Adult ADD and truly I shouldn't joke about it in any way, but there are times that my attention span is so small that I honestly wonder if I should possibly see someone about making things better. Currently I'm listening to American Idol, typing this blog entry, and attempting to finish reading Black Heart so BFF2 can read it tomorrow. However, I'm having extreme difficulties managing any of the three. I WAS pretty successful when I was drooling over Phil Phillips. But being enthralled with Phil Phillips doesn't take a lot of brain power. He's just so PRETTY! And drool-worthy in other various ways.

MOVING ON (before this just becomes a Phil Phillips Appreciation Post) to other conversational topics!

Today was the last school day of the week! I now have a five day weekend to look forward to! This is SO exciting for me, because honestly I could use a break. I love my job, but it is stressful and time consuming, so any break is MUCH appreciated. I don't have many plans for break per se. I've been learning how to make rag rugs, so I may spend the weekend sorting fabric strips and running them through a wash load before I braid them into the beginnings of a rug. I also hope to start working on my tiny, baby herb bed! We have a lovely little section right off our front porch that would be ideal for an herb bed, but I have to see how the soil quality is, look into organic fertilizer that I can work into the ground, and I need to procure so sort of border. I may get rocks to edge the bed with, or I may get some excess lumber from a local lumber yard to create a border. I'll also have to wage war with various family members about my decision to mulch the bed instead of using plastic to kill any weeds. Sometimes they are really confused about my environmental choices. It is also getting to be PERFECT weather for composting! My poor compost heap has been sorely neglected over the last year and I'm hoping to whip it into shape by the end of summer and then maintain it through the school year. Last year I produced enough compost to cover my grandmothers small tomato patch, which was EXTREMELY exciting. It's lovely to take things that normally go to waste, in our case left overs and vegetables that fall from their vines, and make something that is beneficial. That cycle is calming and it also makes me feel powerful. I'm using things that would otherwise be cast aside and using them to better not only my own environment, but the world's environment as well.

BEDA 3: I have never been punched in the face...

...but I can certainly sympathize with those who have had that experience. As I told the 7th grade math teacher today, I believe I may be allergic to someone in the first period class I have to attend. His suggestion that I'm probably allergic to ALL of the children was hilarious, but seriously unhelpful. Although, word on the street is that laughter is the best medicine. If this is the case then I should never be ill. Between BBF2 and several of the teachers I work with, my work days usually involve massive amounts of laughter.* And I suppose, if I'm honest, I don't usually get sick. Well, if you discount stress related illnesses and general allergy ickiness then I'm never sick. I guess you could say I'm always sick, but only if you're a "glass half empty" kind of person. Today just for laughs I looked at a map detailing pollen counts. Our county was a BLAZING red, which caused BFF2 to burst into hysterical laughter when she saw it. Today wasn't really terrible though because only tree pollen counts were up. Grass and weed pollen counts were LOW!!!** My favorite days are uwhen all three counts are BLAZING red on their respective maps. Those are the days that I cry or just stay in bed all day.

I realize that I've written two blog posts in a row about my allergy woes. I promise that every BEDA blog will NOT consist of a detailed account of my allergy struggles, unless you like that sort of thing! =D



*They also include large amounts of stress, tension headaches, and occasional panic attacks.
**YAY for low pollen count days!

BEDA 2: Allergy Woes

There are many things I love about Spring. Flowers blooming, warm weather, driving with the windows rolled down, sitting outside when it rains, etc. But I hate what Spring does to my allergies! I deal with them year round, but this time of year is THE WORST! Today I've been plagued with a headache, terrible itchy and runny eyes, and random pains shooting through my ears! Consistent pain makes it difficult to really enjoy the things I love about this season and t always makes me grumpy! I suppose I shouldn't complain, the past two winters have been very harsh and I've suffered a lot less than usual with m allergies. Even if I have a bad year with them this year at least there has been a small reprieve. The saddest thing is that it has been warm enough to sleep with my windows open* and I haven't been able to so far. I suppose it's time to buck up and plug in my air purifier if I want to enjoy open windows!

*Open windows are my absolute favorite thing about warm weather!

Hello again, BEDA

EDIT: I'm not sure how exactly this blog managed to disappear, but it randomly reverted back to a draft. Reposting so that ALL of the BEDA blogs exist!

If at first you don't succeed...try, try again? Right? That's the adage. Which is why I am once again attempting BEDA! Which will probably consist of me blogging daily for two weeks, and then disappearing for months. 'Cause that's how I roll...you know...

Anyway, I can at least begin BEDA with SUPER AWESOME WONDERFUL NEWS!!!!* After a complete breakdown last week and weeks of suffering from stress related illnesses (migraines, loss of appetite, feeling sick whenever I eat) and being a miserable person to be near (again with the stress induced horribleness) I made a pretty big decision to not work this summer. It was a big step because I had already promised to work and I had promised BFF2 that I would run a therapeutic group with her during the course of our day camp program. It was a big deal, choosing to take this step for myself, but after talking to BFF2 last week and my boss on Thursday I feel AMAZING! For the first time in two years I'm looking forward to summer. I have some plans to do a massive overhaul in my room. This includes getting rid of clothes that don't fit or aren't wearable, cataloging my bookshelves again, and redecorating my room. Not sure how much of the redecorating will happen because I will be on a VERY tight budget this summer, but hopefully I'll at least get everything arranged so that I will be ready to paint in the fall and can buy linens and curtains and other accessories when I start working again inûp August.

I'm also looking forward to time with my family. The past two summers have been really hectic, and while I've taken a few spur of the moment trips with The Clone and family, I haven't actually spent much time with The Cousins. That will be different this year. I plan to fully enjoy cookouts and bake sales and pool time. Actually I'd like to swim at my aunt's every day this summer. It's excellent exercise and it will really help my (so far unsuccessful) attempts to be more active and fit.

With less overwhelming exhaustion this summer I am also hoping to read a lot. I know this comes as a shock to you all! I really want to read books that have been on my shelf for a long time that I've never read. Last year I banned myself from buying books for a few months and then I attempted to restrict buying to no new books unless I read a book I already owned. With a tight budget this summer I won't be able to buy a lot of books, so I'm hoping to make a good dent in my TBR list. I'm also planning on actually compiling a TBR list of all the books I own but haven't read. I've been using GoodReads for this and I enjoy it more and more with each use.

If any of you are participating in BEDA this year let me know so I can visit your blogs!


*That I already announced on Twitter and told the people I see in my actual every day life.

Springing Forward

Time changes are always so challenging! The process of adjusting can be a real pain, but there is something so fantastically wonderful about knowing that spring is here* and that it won't be dark so early. I rarely am able to pick a favorite season, but this year I am really looking forward to spring. Rebirth and freshness are kind of a recurring theme in my year, and having that manifested by nature every time I look out my window is uplifting to say the least. There are currently daffodils blooming in out front garden and crocuses have popped up throughout our yard in a multitude of colors. They all look so happy! Soon it will be time to plan our garden, plant tomatoes, and hopefully this year I'll be able to start a small herb bed beside our porch. Bake Sale Season starts at this end of this month and I'm already busy planning a variety of snacks to prepare and sale. I've been stockpiling recipes all winter long and am really looking forward to baking in the upcoming months. I've also been messing around with basic cupcake recipes and adding to them based on various inspirations to create my own recipes. THAT is more fun that I would have imagined and it is gratifying to create something that other people enjoy.

Life in SWVA has been run of the mill. I wake up in the morning, go to work, come home, rinse and repeat. This may SEEM lousy and boring but in all actuality it's pretty much what I need right now. Work has been calm enough that I am able to get most of my paperwork done before I leave the school, which leaves my evenings open for reading and relaxing while I watch TV and chat with the BFFs. I've been fairly successful with my Lent challenge. I've finished four books and I've read at least 30 minutes every single day. I've also only read one reread, which is refreshing. I love to revisit books I've loved, but sometimes in doing that I forget how many amazing books are out there that I haven't taken the time to read.

Television this season has been a little disappointing. We regularly watch American Idol, but so far most of the shows have been too boring to hold my attention and I've read through each episode. ANTM has been wonderful so far this season though. If you've never watched the show I would recommend this season as a fantastic starting point. Tyra has sadly been normal and hasn't attempted ACTING so far this season, but I'm positive that will come about later on. US models in the making are competing against previous contestants from Britain's Next Top Model in Cycle 18. The most recent episode is the makeover episode** which includes all the usual DRAMA about hairstyles and cuts and colors. I find these episodes particularly amusing for multiple reasons. I'm looking forward to the new season of DWTS and the celebrity lineup this year looks MUCH more promising than last years. Urkel! Laura Ingalls Wilder! Gladys Knight! As usual I will livetweet my viewing of DTWS. Occasionally I livetweet Idol, but it hasn't been tweetworthy so far this season.

*Spring has actually been here all winter, truth be told.
**This is always my favorite episode of every season. My goal is to own every single makeover episode of ANTM so that I can watch them on repeat on bad days.

The Blahs

Throughout the weekend I've been experiencing this overwhelming sense of ennui. There isn't anything I can pinpoint that may be the cause, and it's pretty frustrating because I don't enjoy spending my weekends feeling blah. I've been doing some really great things for my daily revolutions and I enjoy them a lot, but I've had no motivation to type them up. I've also struggled to read this weekend and to interact with other humans. Again, no real idea why that is.

In other news, I'm continuing to experience nightmares on an almost nightly basis. There are few thinks I enjoy more than working out my emotional issues during the night instead of ya know, sleeping. Every night in plagued with dreams that focus on every single person I love abandoning me in some way. CLEARLY I am dealing with my family issues well. I finally* told my dad that I've been having nightmares, and that went over poorly. He immediately assumed the majority of my issues were due to his plans to move away to work for a few years. While I am in no way looking forward to this occurrence it is NOT the reason for the nightmares. I was finally able to convince him of this, but it was fairly exhausting. I'm currently exhausted and yearning to sleep, but also kind of dreading going to bed and not sleeping well.

Hopefully I will feel better this week** and FINALLY update you guys on the revolutions.



*I've been having nightmares pretty regularly since Septemberish, but they've really increased in frequency since Christmas when my mother left.
**In order to cheer myself up this weekend I bought three memoirs about The Beatles. I hope they get here this week so I can read them and cheer myself up.

It's Not YOU, 2011...It's Me

The end of this year has been difficult for me to say the least. I've struggled with numerous issues in my personal life at the close of this year, and it has made it hard for me on multiple levels. At this point things are going to get pretty personal, so if you don't want to read, NOW is the time to turn back. In October my father confided in me about issues going on in my parents' marriage. Usually these are the things he keeps to himself, but the issue was weighing heavily on him and he needed a confidant and advice from someone he considers trustworthy. My mother had been having an affair for several months and he wanted advice about what he should do. After dropping this news he also told me that he was retiring in July (as soon as he was eligible) and that he was planning to apply for jobs on oil field in the Midwest so that he could work and build up his saving so that he could afford to not work for his entire life. This was as difficult to process as my mother's infidelity. My daddy also discussed not telling my relatives what my mother was doing. This was the hardest thing for me personally, but I can understand his reasoning. The grandmother I live with is my mother's mom, the aunties and uncles and cousins that I surround myself with in times of crises are my mother's siblings and relatives. My daddy was (unnecessarily) worried that my family would in some way turn away from him, leaving him alone.*

For the past three months I've been doing a poor job dealing with these issues. As a 28yo who works in the mental health field I can understand my slow processing as stages of grief and I can recognize the low level symptoms of depression I have been experiencing. I know that if I can't deal with these events on my own there are multiple outlets for me to receive help.  As I've struggled to deal with these issues I have become somewhat withdrawn, I'm rarely on Twitter, I don't text my friends, I rarely make plans, and the homebody tendencies I usually embrace have increase more than I thought was possible. While my closest friends do know what has happened, I've only made vague references to my absences/change in behavior on social media websites. I suppose in a way I was hoping that the problem would go away. The holiday season has been miserable this year. I have had to deal with the loss of a parent who was sitting in the same room as me as well as try to celebrate the season with the knowledge that my mother was planning on leaving and could be gone at any given time, without saying a word to my brother or me.  The silver lining I suppose is that my brother and I have grown closer over the past few weeks.

Earlier this week, my mother left.** While I know that I am not the only person who has dealt with her parents separating, it was a huge blow. She didn't even bother to say goodbye. I sent her a text message on Wednesday that she has not bothered to respond to or acknowledge in any way. I suppose this is the worst part of it all. My mother is...difficult to say the least, and our relationship has been strained for several years, but I suppose we always yearn for parental love. Her leaving has affected me in ways I did not expect. I am so very ANGRY at her. And disappointed. I am not naive when it comes to love. I recognize and understand that people don't always stay in love forever. I also understand that people make terrible choices. However, it feels impossible to accept this. My daddy is also not without faults, but I have never doubted his love for my mother, or his willingness to work to fix any problems that their marriage had. I can say that he has done more for her than I would have been able to do, and has suffered more that he should have ever needed to. My heart is so broken for him. And for myself. And for my brother, and grandmother, and every other person her selfishness has negatively impacted.

And now I have ranted to the vast emptiness (and fullness) of the internet. And in a way it feels SO GOOD to have let go of this. Usually, I am not so personal here and try to save the nervous breakdowns for my close, personal friends or my family*** but I felt the need to let this go before the start of the new year.

In 2012 I'd like to focus on positive things, because this act of my mother's will have a lot of negative impact on the lives of me and my family members. No matter where things go from here in my parents' marriage, there is a lot of hurt to be overcome and to heal. I want to look ahead to good things in the next year. I want to find good in others and remember that fantastic things happen and to see the wonderful things around me without feeling jaded. I want to strive for happiness in my day to day life. And if any of you see me being more Debbie Downer than Cheery Chelle, I want you to feel free to tell me to perk up. That's not insensitive, sometimes we all need to be reminded that there are good things surrounding us. As this posts I will be frantically attempting to finish reading my last book of the year and will also be surrounded by the rest of my family. People who have surrounded me with love and kindness and beauty and pockets of happiness throughout the past few months, and without whom I don't know if I would have been able to cope as well as I have.


To everyone who read this, thank you for allowing me the chance to get this off my chest. It has already allowed me to wish 2011 a happier goodbye than I was expecting.



*His parents have both passed away, and he isn't particularly close to his siblings.
**Obviously, at this point my entire family is aware of what has been going on. While it is somewhat invasive we generally operate as though we all live in one giant household and everyone knows what is going on with the rest of the family.
***They are truly blessed! ;)

So You've Had A Bad Day

DISCLAIMER: I am REALLY bad a commas! Please ignore any comma issues!

Folks...today sucked. It sucked a lot. It started with an insane text message and a lot of pettiness. It continued with me ranting to BFF2 for the entirety of our drive to work and with BFF1 having to play referee to the petty person piling crap on me. I was upset the entire day, have a terrible headache, and felt like I was going to have a panic attack all day long. I had someone cancel on my birthday plans (that she made) even though my birthday is in TWO days. I almost cried at work. And honestly I felt pretty bad about myself today. And by "pretty bad" I mean "absolutely terrible." The day was made slightly better by snarky comments from both of the BFFs* and a fun lunch with some of my favorite teachers and BFF2, not to mention my family's reassurance that sometimes people suck. And that's okay.

So...countdown to 28...no so fun so far! At least I'm comforted by the fact that there is a small group of seventh grade boys who refer to me as "Eighteen" instead of "Miss T" because I look like a high school student. A concept that is continuously reinforced by Mr. Math who laughs hysterically every time a student asks why a high school student (me) is allowed to hang out in the middle school all day. Not that I saw any of the cheese-tastic seventh graders because MY seventh grader was absent today. In all actuality I miss seventh grade. Word on the street is that I'm going to have a new eight grade client, which makes me happy because I'll have job security, but also sad because I will have to limit my time in seventh grade hall!

*Snark about both the pettiness AND Dancing with the Stars, which is ALWAYS delightful!

To Infinity AND BEYOND!

Or ya know...to Charleston, SC for a book festival. One or the other. YOU DECIDE!!!

Actually, BFF2 and I (and maybe The Clone and Baby Neville) are indeed going to South Carolina in November for a YA book fest! I am SOOO excited!* And of course, since I am going to meet all of these AMAZING authors I have been SUPER stressed about my TBR list! I've spent the entire weekend scouring my list to cull out the books by authors who will be in SC this November and making plans to read at least one book by EACH author that will be there.** I also had to make a list for BFF2.*** Needless to say we have got a LOT of reading to do in the next two months. Not that I didn't already plan to make detailed monthly TBR lists! However, now I am just making a Y'All Fest Reading List and I'll post in on the TBR page and you guys can check it out there! They are still updating the author list, so I'll be updating the TBR list as the authors are announced. Luckily I have already read books by a few of the authors, so that lightens my load a bit. Right now it looks like I need to read about 12 books to be ready for the author meetings. NO PRESSURE!!! But, really I enjoy pressure. And I am so excited about the chance to meet some of these authors that I am about to EXPLODE!

In other news, we all know I failed BEDA. To make up for my cruddiness (and because the lack of blogging was kind of out of my control due to the dead laptop) I am going to make up the blog days I missed in September. I managed to do 17 of 31 BEDA posts, which means I missed 14 posts. So I commit to blogging 14 times in the month of September. I'm not sure what these blogs will contain (probably mass insanity) but  THERE WILL BE BLOGS! I hope that those of you who showed up during BEDA will stick around and that my lunacy hasn't scared you away!

Now, it's back to one of the two books I'm currently reading! Enjoy your Labor Day holidays (if you have one) folks!

*Because I am a nerd
**Because I am a nerd
***Because SHE is a nerd

BEDA 10-Stream of Consciousness

For the love of all that is good and holy my head hurts! Lack of rain has led to my allergies being ALL out of wack. But enough complaining! On with the blogging! Since pain=lack of focus I'm just going to do a bulleted list of things I'm thinking about RIGHT NOW!

•The weather has been lovely recently, even without rain. Warm days and cool nights are fantastic and the perfect way to transition from summer to fall.
•I may go with BFF2 and The Clone to watch the Glee3D concert movie next week and I'm only a little embarrassed by that.
•I may yell "It's Harry freaking Potter" when Darren Criss comes on screen during the Glee concert movie.
•I need to gather books up tonight for CoworkerRachel because she loved a series I recommended and now wants a list of books she should read.
•She also wants to borrow books I own so she doesn't spend a boatload of money on books she may not love.
•I love recommending books to people.
•I love reading more than I love recommending books.
•I wonder how many kids read books from the reading lists I was asked to make at the end of the school year.
•It seems like cheating to make a random blog post about my scattered thoughts.
•Work today was super stressful, but not nearly as bad as I assumed it would be.
•Work was marginally decent thanks to my iPod (George) and BFF2.
•In all the time I listened to George I only heard one Beatles song.
•I should probably just make a suggested reading list (separated by genre) that I can make copies of and hand out.
•I have made a LOT of recommended reading lists in the last four years.
•My face hurts.
•Today's "Silver Lining" is that while today was a cruddy office day I have a lot less work to do to get ready for school than I expected!
•I use a lot of exclamation points and capital letters.
•I appreciate ANYONE who read this rambling list o' things!

BEDA 8- I Missed a Day!

I failed BEDA! BUT I am going to make it up! Honest! ONE day soon I'm going to post TWO blogs! I'm currently typing this on my brother's girlfriend's laptop and feeling horrible because I was doing SO well! I even managed to blog when I was out of town with NO internet service! Then things went to pot! However, things should be okay now.

I've spent this week (all two days of it) getting ready for school to start. The best thing about my current job is that I get to use office supplies, which means that I get to do all the fun back to school shopping! Yesterday my family went to the closest big town to us so that I could buy the supplies I still needed. My clients tend to lack the funds necessary to be prepared for school every day, so I try to have basic supplies on hand at all times so they are prepared for class. I also have a sick obsession with ink pens, so I had to stock up on my current favorites so that I am ready for massive note taking each day. After the school supply shopping for myself, Doda, and E we headed over to Best Buy any my mother fronted me the money to purchase an internet capable device. After a lot of consideration I decided that I should get a cheaper tablet now (since I have access to multiple desktops) and save to buy a quality laptop in the future. My dad seems to think there is hope that his oldest son can repair my laptop for little cost, which will be fantastic really. It is odd to be disconnected in a sense. Especially since it is not by choice. I finally got everything set up on the tablet* and it is (hopefully) ready to go.

I go back to work on Thursday, so you guys should prepare for boring work related blogs! I will do my best to provide quality entertainment so that you won't be bored to tears while reading. I'm certain I'll have exciting stories once school actually starts. I'm excited to go back and work with my clients and see the students at my school. Last week I was accosted by a student that was in the grade level I work with and she was EXTREMELY excited to see me. I adore the kids I interacted with last year, and I have missed them this summer. I look forward to another year of recommending books, laughing at silly things they say, and remind them that just because we are from a small Southern town we do NOT have to sound like idiots** when we speak. I enjoy interacting with tweens and teens each day and seeing the ways that I positively impact their lives.

*I think. Most likely I still need to download massive amounts of things and fiddle with the settings a bit longer.

**I seriously cannot count the number of times kids told me they didn't have to "talk right" because they're from the country. It's sad really that they have no interest in bettering themselves.