Sunday, September 23, 2012

Happy Birthday to Myself

Yesterday was my birthday, and as usual, I spent the day (and part of this morning) reflecting about where I am in my life and where I want to go from here. This year hasn't really been the best. By year I mean both the year I spent being 28 and also the year 2012. Most of this was due to the family problems I referenced in a blog post at the end of 2011, specifically with the fact that my mother had an affair and left my dad on Christmas* and has spent the past nine months ignoring me until she decided to come home two weeks before my birthday; thus ruining the two most important times of the year for me. But I'm trying to move past all that. See, most of this year I've been in a...not so great place. I'm not really talking battling depression or trying to find the will to go on...just kind of being unengaged with life. As some of you may know (or don't know but are getting ready to find out-you lucky devils) I was engaged several years ago and things didn't work out. It was gross and messy and terrible for me, but it truly would have been even more terrible had I gotten married. So, most days I'm really okay with the fact that I'm almost thirty** and single. Because usually, I'm quite HAPPY. Happy to not be in a relationship where I give too much of myself without having my own emotional needs filled. Happy to be surrounded by a family that is too wonderful to even describe. Happy to have wonderful friends, specifically the BFFs, but also the numerous people I know from online communities that I've been fortunate to connect with and inspire and be inspired by. Happy to enjoy the things I like without having to worry that the people around me may think I'm strange and unworthy of friendship. And mostly, happy that I have the freedom to be who I am and who I want to be without having to wonder if I should change to make other people happy. Unfortunately, this past year I've let the blahs get me down. I've retreated from social media, and the friends I have online. Because I don't engage with other people now. Not frequently. The BFFs and my friend Forest being the exception, I'm not sure I can even recall the last time I had a conversation with someone that I'm not related to or don't work with. That's probably not so healthy, ya know?

So, for the rest of this year AND for year 29 in general, my goal is to BE ENGAGED. That means back to tweeting, even if it is asinine details about the commute home from work or the MASH reruns my grandmother watches each night. Back to attempting to blog once in awhile. And not just sob stories about how bad things are. A lot of good stuff happens in my life. And recently I've been SO inspired by Kristen Cashore's blog because while she has been doing appearances for Bitterblue she has been posting picture blogs of the various places she's visited. I take approximately a million photos a week. Sometimes they are funny, sometimes they are random, sometimes they are ridiculous; but I'm pretty sure I'm going to start doing weekly photo blog updates about what's going on in my life. I'm also going to making an active effort to participate in the YouTube channel I have with BFF1. So far I've done a nice little tutorial and some videos with the BFF, but I haven't followed through with the commitment I made to her, which was that I would actually make videos and post them once a week. But no more! I'm taking the rest of September to wallow and rant and plan, and then in October I am coming back with a VENGEANCE. One more year in my 20s and I don't want to waste them. Life is for living, and sometimes it is easier to sit back and let the world pass us by, but that is not the life I choose to live any longer. I choose to be active. I choose to engage. I choose to LIVE and be a major character in my own story instead of an observer in the background.

*CHRISTMAS! After we opened all of our presents and she pretended none of us knew about her double life and that everything was fine. #bitter
**THIRTY! I live in a small town in the South, y'all I'm officially an Old Maid, Spinster, Maiden Aunt; whatever you want to call it